If I Had A Million Dollars

I heard this Bare Naked Ladies song on the radio the other day and I got to wondering, if I had a million dollars what would I spend it on? After I paid bills and debts of course, what would I do with the money? Would it make my life better and what am I not allowing myself that I really want because I think I can't afford it? Are there places in my life where I'm holding myself back, things I think I can't do because of the cash? And are there things I would give up because I would then not have to worry about money? I decided to sit down and make a list, like a budget, and explore what $1,000,000 would cover.

It turned out to be a basic laundry list...pay off car, buy new one, pay off other debts including the ever present student loan, and do a few basic things that I can't quite make ok to spend on right now like join a gym and sign up for more writing classes. But through the process I realized some important things. I have let myself be defined by money for as long as I can remember. Defined by how much I had in cash, how much I had in the bank, if I was able to buy a house or a car or get a loan, or a million other things we do every day. I've even been to the place of not leaving the house on a day off because I couldn't afford to put the extra gas in the car. I've let it define my world, tell me who I am and who I'm not and keep me attached to what I don't want.

What I realized is that yes, paying off the car and other bills is important but it's more important to stop putting off what I want for a day when I know unequivocally I can do it. I don't want to be defined by what I think I don't have anymore. So, I'm making plans for a trip to the beach that I've so been longing to take and I'm signing up for that one day poetry workshop this weekend, taking a day to define myself through poetry...any maybe I'll keep my eyes open for the million dollars along the way.